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Ditching the Guilt

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I am officially finished with guilt over my illness. I have spent years feeling like I need to apologize, make up for, or do some kind of penance for the fact that I happened to become ill. Like I somehow brought this on myself or asked for it in some way. I didn’t.

The common saying by my doctor, health coach, husband and those that love me is that my job is to get well. I have not believed this before now. My job was to have a job like any functioning person in society. That was how I continued to see it. All this did was keep me pushing past my limits and continually crashing me so that I wasn’t even able to function up to my “sick” best.

I now understand. My job is to get well. I may or may not ever get there. However, it is better than my job is to stay sick. I cannot hold down gainful employment. That is just an unfortunate fact. It is time I believe that those who love me understand that and don’t blame or judge me.

What do I do with my days? I spend time taking care of myself by:

  • meditating
  • gentle movement
  • eating regularly and healthfully
  • napping
  • taking my supplements on a schedule
  • soaking in an Epsom bath
  • journaling
  • play Lumosity to try to keep my brain supple

And then I:

  • knit
  • read, if my brain allows… watch TV if it doesn’t
  • visit my goats
  • pet my dogs
  • gaze out my window
  • play on Facebook
  • play games on my iPad

I refuse to feel guilty about the second list as long as I take care of myself first by attending to the first list.

Yes, I am chronically ill and I may never get well. There is a lot of judgment about that out there in the world. Luckily I have people around me that love and support me. It is time that I love and support myself and ditch the guilt. It is a waste of time and energy.

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{ 4 comments… add one }
  • Tami Stackelhouse February 27, 2015, 11:27 pm

    Reading this makes me very happy. =) Remember that this is always a process. You’ll still have days where you forget what your job is. I promise to help you remember. <3

    • Tamara Staples February 27, 2015, 11:48 pm

      I can’t believe it finally just clicked. I truly got it! I know I will backslide at times, but I think I got it on a level that I will be able to hear you when you remind me. <3

  • Claire February 27, 2015, 11:47 pm

    Glad you’ve arrived! <3

    • Tamara Staples February 28, 2015, 6:26 pm

      Thank you, Claire. Me, too!

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