I am officially finished with guilt over my illness. I have spent years feeling like I need to apologize, make up for, or do some kind of penance for the fact that I happened to become ill. Like I somehow brought this on myself or asked for it in some way. I didn’t.
The common saying by my doctor, health coach, husband and those that love me is that my job is to get well. I have not believed this before now. My job was to have a job like any functioning person in society. That was how I continued to see it. All this did was keep me pushing past my limits and continually crashing me so that I wasn’t even able to function up to my “sick” best.
I now understand. My job is to get well. I may or may not ever get there. However, it is better than my job is to stay sick. I cannot hold down gainful employment. That is just an unfortunate fact. It is time I believe that those who love me understand that and don’t blame or judge me.
What do I do with my days? I spend time taking care of myself by:
- gentle movement
- eating regularly and healthfully
- taking my supplements on a schedule
- soaking in an Epsom bath
- play Lumosity to try to keep my brain supple
And then I:
- read, if my brain allows… watch TV if it doesn’t
- visit my goats
- pet my dogs
- gaze out my window
- play on Facebook
- play games on my iPad
I refuse to feel guilty about the second list as long as I take care of myself first by attending to the first list.
Yes, I am chronically ill and I may never get well. There is a lot of judgment about that out there in the world. Luckily I have people around me that love and support me. It is time that I love and support myself and ditch the guilt. It is a waste of time and energy.