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Ditching Guilt Makes Way for Grief

Who knew that removing the layer of guilt that had been sitting on my shoulders, like some kind of bolder from hell, would make room for grief to move in? I always thought it strange that I never really mourned the loss of my health. I told myself this was because I had basically been sick my entire life and knew no difference. However, Presently I realize that is bullshit.

I now have waves of grief pouring over me. I feel like crying, screaming, throwing things and curling up in a ball and hiding from the world — all at once. It is confusing. It is scary. It is pure grief.

It hurts to know my life is confined to a few square feet of bed. I miss my friends and family while knowing that I don’t have the ability to communicate with them without making myself much more ill. I hope they understand. I know they all don’t. I am sorry for that. I miss the outside world. I miss driving. I miss eating out. I miss the freedom of going where I want, when I want. I am tired of doctors.

I know the grief will pass. I have to ride it out. Feel it. Allow myself to cry, mourn, be angry, hurt and experience all of the emotions that come up. I can’t hide from this if I want to heal from it and move past it. I have no intention of spending years in grief the way I did in guilt. Absolutely no intention.

{ 2 comments… add one }
  • Gloria Jost March 5, 2015, 3:11 pm

    Dear Tamara,
    Such a journey. Grieving is so painful in the moment. So raw. So emotional healing. So necessary. Scary at times cause you feel so out of control. At least this has been my experience – an ongoing one. I send hugs, a box of kleenex, and an understanding heart.

    • Tamara Staples March 5, 2015, 7:17 pm

      Thank you, Gloria. I am both sorry and glad you understand. 🙂 It does feel out of control and that is the part I don’t like. I can work myself out of a bad mood. Haven’t figured out how to work myself out of a deep grief cycle.

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