Who knew that removing the layer of guilt that had been sitting on my shoulders, like some kind of bolder from hell, would make room for grief to move in? I always thought it strange that I never really mourned the loss of my health. I told myself this was because I had basically been sick my entire life and knew no difference. However, Presently I realize that is bullshit.
I now have waves of grief pouring over me. I feel like crying, screaming, throwing things and curling up in a ball and hiding from the world — all at once. It is confusing. It is scary. It is pure grief.
It hurts to know my life is confined to a few square feet of bed. I miss my friends and family while knowing that I don’t have the ability to communicate with them without making myself much more ill. I hope they understand. I know they all don’t. I am sorry for that. I miss the outside world. I miss driving. I miss eating out. I miss the freedom of going where I want, when I want. I am tired of doctors.
I know the grief will pass. I have to ride it out. Feel it. Allow myself to cry, mourn, be angry, hurt and experience all of the emotions that come up. I can’t hide from this if I want to heal from it and move past it. I have no intention of spending years in grief the way I did in guilt. Absolutely no intention.